Sunday, December 26, 2010

Pre-Birthday Dumpeyness.

24th December, 2010:
My best friend's birthday. Surprise at 12 a.m. happened. Not much of a surprise anyway. A tradition since 4 years can hardly be called a surprise. But, we go nevertheless. Not giving a surprise this year may prove to be more of a surprise, methinks. I suggest it too, but receive 4 horrified faces looking at me. I shrug and go, but I don't feel like, tbh. My mind is definitely somewhere else. It's amazing how everything seems to be going perfectly and still there is this lingering unsatisfaction inside. Like something, somewhere is incomplete. But I feign cheer, not wanting to be a wet blanket. Aaaand later, Christmas eve! Friends calling incessantly asking me to go for midnight mass with them! I had all plans of going for the mass till the day before, dress and shoes picked up et al. But today I didn't just feel like going.The throbbing headache I had didn't help either. So, Christmas eve was spent watching Friends re-runs at home.

25th December, 2010:
Aaaaaand CHRISTMAS! I woke up hoping the unsettling feeling was gone. Disappointment. I still felt as dumpey and that bitch of a headache from last night didn't help at all. Christmas party invitations. Lots of them. Having a gazillion Catholic friends helped, but not in times when you are feeling particularly low. I don't drink, definitely didn't feel like dancing, what point? To think I was so upbeat about this whole parties thing just two days back. Something HAD to be done about this silly down-the-dumps mood. Aaaand Srishti Shetty to the rescue! Spending the day with a friend who keeps you in splits every second you are with them and is an instant mood-uplifter seemed like my best bet right then. The journey in the empty train, with the cool breeze blowing was somehow emotionally upheaving. I arrived at the very familiar Churchgate station. I avoided that place like the plague till some months back. Too many memories attached, memories I did not want hurting me again. But today, it's just another station. I meet some college friends of hers. Lovely people, who say nice things about me. What better mood-uplifter than compliments from strangers, eh? Random roaming in Colaba, a nice dinner and several donuts later, happiness happened.

Srishti still licking her fingers clean and me.

26th December, 2010:
Woke up to one 'IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY IN TWO DAYS!!!!' text. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up shut up shut up. It sucks already to not be psyched about your own birthday, I DO NOT want someone who is more excited than I am. I'm tired of pretending. Seriously. Tired of pretending to be happy.Tired of pretending to want to go to parties, to scream 'yayyy!' at something I'm not even remotely joyous about. I hate that this anti-social phase has struck right before my birthday. Or maybe it has struck because of the birthday. The mind often tends to overlook the beauty of the things and people it has to miss what it doesn't. I especially miss people I love during happy times than sad, because it's a different high altogether to see someone happy for you, happy along with you..

The Secret says we have to be positive and just feel good things happening. Can someone tell me HOW we can do just that when you can't just think happy? When you don't FEEL happy? Rhonda Byrne? Someone? ANYONE?! Hmph.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Time heals everything?

Ever felt like you wanna die? Like reaaally seriously. Like your chest has been ripped apart to pull out a heart gasping for breath, like you're so vulnerable a small wisp of air can tear you down to mere grains of sand, like all you wanna do is take one last shot of pain and then it's over? For good? Simple words can axe your very being, they act like a glass splinter and work their way through your emotions till you finally feel nothing any more. It is the real kind of pain, that gets into you and rips you to shreds. Ever felt like that? Or feeling like that?
Well, I'm not. Though I was, a few months back. When you're hurting, nothing feels like it's going to be okay. The world seems to be a dreary place. Sense of purpose lost. And what do people say? It's all going to be all right. Bullshit,  you wanna tell them. "You wouldn't know, it's not happening to you", you think. But here I am, months after realization dawned, months after a reality check, all happy. Everything happens for a reason, time heals everything, you lose something to get something better, all these sayings seem like mere words spoken by an unfeeling spectator. But here I am, all content. You lost what's dearest to you. What point in life? But here I am, all wise. ALL HEALED.

Yes, time does heal everything. Though it doesn't seem like it will now, you'll see. :)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Rock.

This blog is for a rock. My rock. The rock who has been there just all the time, been there for me to lean on when things got tough. It's amazing how you connect to someone so easily, someone who is so different from you, yet so similar. Cliched? Yes. But so true. That person just helps you sail through the bad times. And it's after the bad times you realize how important that person is. That person is him. Let's keep the name undisclosed, and just call him 'A'.

11th October, 2010.

Me and 'A' walking towards the station. Me walking with an extra bounce in my step. Good day today. 'A' looks amused with me as usual, as has been since so many days.

Me : Why is Winnie The Pooh a 'pooh'? Is 'pooh' supposed to mean a bear? Isn't Winnie a yellow, honey-eating bear? Why the hell is he named Winnie? *giggle*
A : Whaaat? Where did you think of that from suddenly? And I know why the Winnie makes you laugh, you bum!
Me : Saw a Winnie The Pooh bag hanging outside a shop. WINNIE! *giggles again*
A : *with THAT look in the eyes* WHERE were you all this time? You are random and actually crack jokes! And you smile too! I love you, man!
Me : I know where this is going. I SO know. :\
A : *again that look* You're happy now. Everything's so perfect. Then why NOT?
Me : *Looking at the indicator* AND we have a Churchgate FAST in 2 mins! Am I lucky or what?
A : Whatta ass! You are evil.

Yes. I guess I'm evil. And very, very selfish. But honestly, some people are too precious to let go of. Because promises don't always last, and forever is in reality, very very short. Though you may think differently, sometimes defining a relationship is maybe the worst thing you can do. And the most beautiful relationships are one's which aren't obligations. Relationships where you love and care for each other because you want to, not because you are compelled to do just that. Where you have no expectations from somebody. It makes small little things that someone does for us sweeter.
So, I'd rather enjoy the attention while it lasts, bask in the love, the patronizing. I know I'm selfish yes, but you know you love me just like that! ;)

P.S. - Didn't someone say, "Love is friendship set on fire"? True. To me. For NOW. Thought MAY change, yes. :P :)
P.P.S. - This blog won't make much sense to everyone. It's just blogging on an impulse, which will probably make 'A' grin, curse me and say 'Whatta ass'! :P

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Very First Rambles.

So, first post? I might as well write about what the mind is 'rambling' about right now.

Current scenario : Mass Communication exam tomorrow and I haven't done shit.
BUT right now, the mind is pretty content. I'm pretty content. Happy. Not the 'I'm-so-happy-imma-shout-out-from-the-rooftops-happy'. The subtler kind. Just content. 
There have been thoughts, fears, assumptions, broken promises, lies, memories plaguing my mind since the past many weeks. It's tough, reaaaaal tough at that, to get over friendships gone kaput. Especially when it was the one you really cared about anyway. But when people change beyond recognition, what point? You know it's best to just let go, but you keep fighting. Because at times, it's easier to keep fighting than giving up. But THAT moment when you DO give up, surrender to fate, is going to be the turning point in life. You can just feel it. Things seem so much brighter, and they do to me now. Other than that teeny-weeny pinch when a random memory flashes, there is happiness.

There is no extraordinary source of happiness in my life right now, but then, nothing going wrong too. And again, isn't happiness making the best of what you have? I have a lovely, supportive family, supportive friends, people to call when I need help, people to call when I need to talk at 3 in the night, and people to just randomly call. Everyone's pretty happy, healthy and glowing *touchwood*. Pretty much an ideal life, no? Well yeah, I have one thing to accomplish now - Score and change my college next year, for the one I'm in now sucks. Major time. But I have lovely, supportive friends here too, so I guess I'll live through this year.

Review whatever is written : Overuse of 'lovely,supportive". Good thing, methinks. Makes me realize the ample 'lovely support' I have. :P
AND my goal, 'Change college next year? Score well?' Should be starting off on doing that by listening to my purple faced mother and getting my ass off the computer chair to actually study. :|
But nothing today is wiping the silly smile I have on my face. For the 'mind' feels much lighter. I have no idea how long this smile is going to last, but it's staying for now. For tonight. :)